Spring is in the air! (and, oh yeah, Day 16 - 267.6)

Today was an absolutely perfect day in central Ohio. Everywhere trees are beginning to bloom and once again outside is actually a viable place to spend time again. I took advantage of it as much as possible. At lunch I read in my car. I left the windows up and just basked in the warmth. I was just beginning to break a sweat as I got out of the car. For this Southern boy it was "gum-like perfection" after his first northern winter in decades. The book I was reading, Jimmy Buffett's A Salty Piece of Land, not only enhanced my feeling of warmth - it's the story of a man's quest to refurbish a light house on a tiny remote Caribbean island - but also provided me with a great metaphor for grief and an affirmative answer to the question I posed in my previous post (but more on that later). If you enjoy Jimmy's music and outlook on life, you'd love the book.

After work, N. and I went for a walk in a park that she had mentioned to me on several occasions and of which I've passed the entrance to on numerous occasions. Another great experience. The park is huge, contains dozens of athletic fields, a huge rose garden, and provides access to a significant bike trail that parallels the river. I felt like a country boy living in New York City stumbling upon Central Park. A new world for us to spend this wonderful spring/summer weather exploring. Have I mentioned that I'm excited winter is over?

And now as the day winds down, where am I writing this? In my Adirondack chair, next to my love, citronella candle burning between us, our faithful senior citizen Border Collie mix at my other side. Life is good.

Back to Jimmy Buffett's great description of grief from A Salty Piece of Land:

"Old friend," Ix-nay said, "grief is like the wake of a boat. It starts out as a huge wave that follows close behind you and is big enough to swamp and drown you if you suddenly stop moving forward. But if you do keep moving, the big wake will eventually dissipate and after a long enough time, the waters of your life get calm again, and that's when the memories of those who have left begin to shine as bright and as enduring as the stars above."

I just thought that was an amazing way to describe the process and say that moving on is not forgetting, actually quite the opposite.

Crystal Anniversary

Fifteen years ago today, Laura and I were married. It seems like a lifetime ago. So much water under the bridge since then and I have no clue how I feel about it or even how I should feel. Of course I'm sad. I'm sad for what I lost, but I've gained so much since then. I'm sad that her life was cut short, but I know that she was freed from demons which I could never begin to understand. I'm sad for the life together that we'll never share, but I've since moved on to a new life full of it's own promise for the future.

So here I am, not sure how to mark this day and not quite sure how far along I am in the transition from old life to new. Is there still significant grieving left to be done that I've buried and left unresolved? It is my nature. Or have I addressed my loss and now stand ready to embrace this new life and all that it offers? Sure I'll continue to have moments, now among them, that my loss comes rushing back; but I believe I am ready to move ahead. Not forgetting, not burying, but embracing what I was blessed to share and remembering how that love brought me to what I now have.

Cherish the past. Live for the future. Is is really that simple?

Day Five - 275.2 (Ouch!), Day Six - 274.0

OK, down nearly five pounds for the first week. I'll take it. I did a nearly full upper body workout on the Soloflex this morning. I probably wouldn't have gotten up, but Nancy was already up and working out so that got me going. We are good for each other.

This was my first real weight training in years and it feels great. Honestly, I hadn't realized so long had passed since I'd worked out seriously. You'd have have thought the mirror would have been telling me that all along. More riveting details of my quest for fitness to follow...

Day 3 - 275.6 lbs, Day 4 - 272.4

We're really making progress now! Nancy's lost 10 and I'm down 6. How cool is that? We've bought an old Soloflex off of Craigslist, which is pretty cool for me. (Note to self: Grab thesaurus and find another word for cool). When I was really into fitness, Soloflex was THE home gym and I really, really, really wanted one. I set it up this morning and can't wait to get started.

It feels great to be getting back in shape. For so long now, I've been disgusted with the way I looked. My plan of attack was to get something to eat and not think about it. Surprisingly, it wasn't too effective. Hopefully this time I'm being smart about it, not starting too drastically but making gradual changes that I can stick with.

Day Two - 277.6

Down one pound. Still can't see shoes. ;-)

I know that many experts advise against weighing ever day, but I look at it this way. First of all it keeps me honest and focused. Secondly, either up or down, I use the reading to motivate me. If I've lost weight, I say to myself, "Hey great! Keep it going now!" If I've gained or stayed even then I think, "OK, dozens of factors could have caused that, but let's look at what we're doing/eating and make sure we're doing our best."

Day One - 278.6

OK, it's time to get serious. I've put off getting serious about taking this weight off long enough!

I'm a little embarrassed to mention what finally motivated me to take action. My fiancee's niece was staying with us and wanted to watch "Biggest Loser: Couples" a few weeks back, and now like a car accident I can't look away. Anyway with that dark secret out, I'll continue. This last episode had a challenge where the contestants donned weights and fat suits to simulate where they started and 'ran' across a beach. To see them struggling under the burden of weight similar to what I'm carrying now, and then to hear about how that reaffirmed their commitment to never go back to that life really hit home.

Now is the perfect time and falls into place for what should have been my motivation all along: my lovely fiancee, our pending wedding, and the life we want to have together. My goal is now to lose three pounds a week between now and the wedding which will get me down to 200 pounds for the first time since my early twenties.

I can do this. To that end, I'm recording my progress here on Al Gore's Internet, in front of the legions of blog readers worldwide who hang on my every post no matter how infrequent. Well, alright at least it makes me accountable to myself.