Leaving it all on the field

This coming Saturday would have been my late wife's 50th birthday. I know that would have driven her crazy, to know that she was 50 years old. Of course, as that date approaches, Ive been thinking about her, our relationship, and the relationship I'm now in.

In sports there's a cliche about leaving it all on the field. It refers to giving everything you have (or 110%, to keep the sports cliches flowing) so that when the end of the game is reached, win or lose, you've left everything on the field. Lately, I've been questioning whether or not I left it all on the field in my marriage. Actually, that's not true. I know I didn't. But, even in the best of marriages I doubt anyone can say they did. There's always a little more that could have been done, or something more (or less) that could have been said.

Ours was not the best of marriages by any stretch of the imagination, but anyone that knew us knew that I loved her with all my heart. Sadly her addictions and psychological issues combined with my inability to cope with/help with/confront them drove a wedge between us. I know that over the years I began to shut down more and more. I understand that it was my self defense mechanism, but now I'm left to wonder, would it have made a difference if I had left more on the field? Maybe someday, I'll know.

What I do know is that I've been given a second chance. A new game clock, a new field, a new opportunity. So that is my commitment for 2008 and beyond: to never have to be asking these questions again.

This probably sounds like self-indulgent drivel to anyone that may stumble across this, but it's been rattling around in my head for awhile, and now it's out and I feel better having written it down.