Near Perfection

I'm writing this while sitting on the balcony of my beach front room looking out over the Atlantic Ocean. Over the past two days South Florida has experienced near record high temperatures. Meanwhile, my weather widget pops up alerting me to a "Severe Weather Warning" for the Columbus, Ohio area. There's a roughly sixty degree temperature difference between my home and my current, utopian location. The sun is setting behind me as I sit and watch the fading light reflected on the palm tree directly in front of me.

There are wisps of clouds paralleling the horizon. A nearly full moon shines brightly above me even as the sky darkens around it. Just to the right of the moon is a small, steady light in the sky. Star or planet, I don't know. The beach is slowly clearing as the sun worshipers head in, from my view seemingly following the sun to the west.

So often a long anticipated vacation fails to live up to expectations. This weekend that is not the case. After arriving five and a half hours late, everything began falling into place. The weather has been perfect and I even welcome the coming cold front and associated rain. From this vantage that too will be breathtaking. I'm only slightly sunburned, the perfect amount of sun. I made this trip with the woman I love and that has made every part of the experience better.

I am putting faces with screen names of the online widow and widower friends we came to see. I can't describe the connection I feel having this common grief that we share. For some it's carried deep within for others it's right there beneath the surface. For all of us it is there. These are good people.

For me it is deep within. It isn't buried; it's merely found its place in my heart. I find myself contented with the time we had together, able to cherish the good times we shared and recognize that the bad times helped shape me into the person that sits here, utterly content.

Now the ocean is disappearing into the darkness in front of me. I can make out the shoreline, the white caps and the distant horizon. I need to get ready for dinner, but I just wanted to steal a moment to capture the beauty of the moment and the feeling of contentment it brought me.

Leaving it all on the field

This coming Saturday would have been my late wife's 50th birthday. I know that would have driven her crazy, to know that she was 50 years old. Of course, as that date approaches, Ive been thinking about her, our relationship, and the relationship I'm now in.

In sports there's a cliche about leaving it all on the field. It refers to giving everything you have (or 110%, to keep the sports cliches flowing) so that when the end of the game is reached, win or lose, you've left everything on the field. Lately, I've been questioning whether or not I left it all on the field in my marriage. Actually, that's not true. I know I didn't. But, even in the best of marriages I doubt anyone can say they did. There's always a little more that could have been done, or something more (or less) that could have been said.

Ours was not the best of marriages by any stretch of the imagination, but anyone that knew us knew that I loved her with all my heart. Sadly her addictions and psychological issues combined with my inability to cope with/help with/confront them drove a wedge between us. I know that over the years I began to shut down more and more. I understand that it was my self defense mechanism, but now I'm left to wonder, would it have made a difference if I had left more on the field? Maybe someday, I'll know.

What I do know is that I've been given a second chance. A new game clock, a new field, a new opportunity. So that is my commitment for 2008 and beyond: to never have to be asking these questions again.

This probably sounds like self-indulgent drivel to anyone that may stumble across this, but it's been rattling around in my head for awhile, and now it's out and I feel better having written it down.

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again. 2007 was a year of dramatic changes for me. I left my job of fifteen years and moved 500 miles to begin my new life with Nancy. While I don't know if I consider myself a midwesterner yet (I can't bring myself to call Pepsi, "pop"), I already feel at home here.

Now that I am settled in at my new job and here at home, I feel like I can begin to work on myself. As with nearly every year, my primary focus will be on my health and fitness. Well, that is only partially accurate. My primary goal in 2008 and beyond is nurturing this near perfect relationship I've found myself in. Improving my health and fitness is merely the most important thing that I can do to ensure that I am around for awhile and able to fully invest myself in our marriage.

At work, I am summing up my resolutions with that common saying, "When you're there, be there." To succeed in my current job the most important thing is to remain focused and give my best while I am there. Everything else will fall into place.

Right now my my primary leisure activity is chess. I really enjoy it and I know it is a great tool to keep my mind sharp. Am I now officially a geek? I still love sports, does that help? So several of my resolutions revolve around becoming a better chess player.

This post itself is part of a resolution aimed at improving my writing skills. If I'm ever to write the Great American Novel, my time is running short.

So now, without any further ado, because I know that the world internet community is on the edge of their collective seats, here is the rough draft of my New Year's resolutions:

2008 New Year Resolutions

• Health
• Body
• 225 by the end of the year
• No fried foods
• Limit fast food to healthy options
• Daily multivitamins
• Lunch out once a week
• 5 small meals a day
• Walk with Nancy 4 nights a week
• Ball workout 3 mornings a week
  
• Mind
• in bed by 11 weeknights, lights out by midnight
• No caffiene after lunch
  
• Family
• Nancy
• Never take her for granted
• Date night once a month
• Flowers at least every other month
• Begin/end day by saying, "I love you!"
  
• Dogs
• Catch up their vet appointments
• Keep them well groomed
  
• Extended Family
• Respond to every email within 24 hours
  
• Friends
• Respond to every email within 48 hours
  
• Work
• When you're there, be there
• Develop and implement personal SLA
  
• Hobbies
• Chess
• 1700 Rating on Gameknot and Chess.com
• Establish a USCF Rating (26 rated games)
  
• Reading
• Read two books a month (one serious/one light)
  
• Writing
• Post in Journal/Blog at least once a week
  
• Financial
• Savings
• Open savings account and begin by putting $100 month in
  
• Debt Reduction
• Begin allocating amount to debt reduction each month
  
• Close out all old accounts
• Shop more effectively
• Think about any purchase over $50 for at least a week
  
• Home
• Get Organized
• Be a selective, organized pack rat
• Create daily to do lists
  
• Herb Garden
• Improvements
• Have made progress on basement by the beginning of the year
• Create a running to do list and check off one thing each weekend